The most common type of mind is the closed mind. Or so it seems…
“I’d better spend the money before it’s gone”
This weekend I had a small social get-together with the in-laws and their social circle. My girlfriend was celebrating her birthday and I can tell you, she has an open mind, which seems to be a rare thing these days in real life. On the net you can talk to loads of people who don’t react funny when you talk about personal development, lifestyle design and even minimalist living. Those are topics I would hesitate to discuss in real life, but you would think that keeping track of finances at least would be a good idea and people could see the sense of it. Especially those who seem to suffer from chronic financial struggle and debt.
Well, forget that idea
The topic quickly changed to the habit of smoking and how some people there really should quit. Of course the money-going-up-in-smoke issue was discussed at length. I wondered how much people could spend on such a thing and if they had a clue. Quite obviously the wrong question because some of the in-laws there know I keep track of every cent myself.
And then came the jaw-dropping moment:
Laughter about me tracking my spendings followed. The smokers concluded that if they didn’t spend it on tobacco they would surely spend it on something else, without ever knowing where the money went! They seemed to share a way of thinking that goes a bit like this: “I’d better spend the money before it’s gone”
I repeat: jaw-dropping moment.
As the evening progressed it didn’t get any better. Listening as a skill was in short supply. Everybody was talking about themselves and trying to best the others with an even unlikelier story. Mixed in were the occasional rants about self-pity, being victims of society and of course complaining about money -and the lack of-. You’d think that people discussing their problems would like to know how they could tackle such issues of life and perhaps make a change.
Another huge mistake
And then came the revelation as I heard a Heavenly choir sing to me: People like to be the victim, to shove all responsibility under the carpet and talk about how unfair the world is. It’s a safe place to be because it’s known and as most would agree: the unknown is very scary. It seems to be a taboo to talk about doing something you didn’t do before but should have done a long time ago. At least, talking to find solutions and asking others for their opinions, solving problems in life and developing oneself. How wrong I was. These people didn’t want solutions or a kick in the right direction, they wanted pity.
Taking responsibility for life and owning all your actions is terrifying apparently. This can not be done with a closed mind for the answers to problems and changing of habits are products of the open mind, ready for new things and uncertain adventures. Thinking outside of the boxed thoughts seems to me essential for change to occur and responsibility to be taken.
I don’t understand closed minds like these. Why wouldn’t people want to change the negative things in life and strive for better things? Why stay in the same place if there are ways to get out? Then again. I could be terribly wrong here and should be put back in my place. Who am I to act like I’m superior!
Closed minds are all around and more often than not clash with each other in a struggle for right of speaking. Not listening to one another and complaining about the unfairness of the world is what surely follows. Or so it seems…
What do you think?
Hi,
Carl linked this on twitter. It sounds to me that you are beginning to understand the human condition but somehow deem yourself above it.
People as a community want their opinions to be heard, and like to share what they are feeling. It doesn’t mean they would want to change or do something about that, they are just looking for love and compassion in a hard world.
When I voice a concern and someone (usually male) feels they need to throw out possible solutions; it is very unsettling. I am an adult and can deal with finding solutions on my own. The moment another person stops listening and starts throwing out advice; I feel like I am being looked down upon..NOT LOVED! It is not pity I seek, but a listening ear. I am sure I am not alone in this.
Thanks,
Joy
Thanks for that insight Joy. (And thanks for the tweet Carl :) )
It’s so confusing when you’re “trained” to find solutions and people only want you to listen and care. It’s frustrating to know (or at least, think you know) what the simple solution is and people just won’t hear of it, not taking responsibility but constantly complaining.
How do you deal with constant complaining in such a case?
Christiaan
I can really relate to this. I’m actually one of those people who perpetually struggle with debt and money, and I’m making some drastic changes to address that. But I’ve known people who seem content to repeat the same complaints over and over and over, and as soon as you suggest a different course of action you’re met with a variety of reactions, but not one of them is appreciation or interest. They just want “understanding” and reassurance that they are not at fault and that they are right to feel upset, but in the end that’s not really working towards a solution. So far, my solution has been to rethink my relationships with people who are so closed off to change.
Good Day Christiaan,
Reading this article I remember a passage from Be Here Now by Ram Dass.
“Wow! Dig that self-pity. Isn’t that exquisite. Full bloom! What an extraordinary color. It must be a new brand of self=pity. A particularity fragrant variety. I just really want to smell that one. To sit and smell it for ever so long.”
People get so into the self pity or being a victim, they really like it. It scares them to leave what they know even if there is a promise of things getting better.
Exactly right Chick,
Even the promise of something better is nothing compared to the security of right now. No faith in life it almost seems.