What is personal development all about? Did you ever wonder what it is that has people all fired up and wanting to change their lives? The brief answer to that would be “You have control over your own life, you just have to take it”.
But taking control means taking action in one for or the other. This blogpost gives you the three options you have this very moment. The -only- three things you can do.
Keep in mind that you are living in the present, it might be stating the obvious but it’s a key factor in taking control. You can not change the past nor can you change the future. You are living right now, right here. You read the first few lines of this blogpost in the past, and now too, this line has become past. Can you unread? Can you skip ahead a few seconds and know what you are about to read without ever having to actually read it? Of course not.
It’s stating the obvious but it I can’t stress it enough: This very moment is the only moment there will ever be that you have any direct influence on. Yes you can influence the future, but the only way to do that is to take action in this moment. If you;re not going to take action now, then when?
The first pillar
I’ve asked you to look around in a lot of previous blogposts and I’m going to ask you again. Where are you right now, not only physically but also mentally, professionally. Who are you right now?
After you have looked at yourself and your surroundings ask yourself if you are happy with this very moment. Do you like where you are? Or would you rather escape into some fantasy world about the future or daydream about how great the past was (“One day I will …” or “When I was your age I …” ). Postponing action to some future when things will be “better”.
As I said, you have exactly three things you can do in this moment. The first one is what I just hinted at: You can escape the present moment into either the past or future, perhaps even some alternative reality you have fabricated in your mind. The present is not a place where you want to be so you flee it.
Almost everyone flees the present, through daydreaming and fantasy or reminiscing about the past. Perhaps even the near past “I wish I was back in bed, it was to early this morning” or looking forward to the near future “I’m looking forward to having this blogpost online and reading your comments”.
There are more destructive ways of fleeing the present, in the form of addictions in all their disguises. Numbing the senses with alcohol or drugs, or even with medication like anti-depressants because the present is just to depressing and you don’t want to deal with it. Roughly 10% of US citizens is using anti-depressants and any given time. A further 8% of US citizens abuses alcohol. So that’s at least 8-18% of the population fleeing reality. I can’t find numbers on drug abuse but all included I can imagine one person in every five uses these extreme measures to flee reality.
Your first pillar: Flee the present
If you run away from the only moment you can influence, you can’t develop. Clearly not the best tactic if you want to change your life or develop your person.
The second pillar
Look around again, is there anything there you want to change? No? Wonderful! You completely accept the current position you are in. You’re content with life as it is at this moment and you don’t want to change anything.
You’re one of the lucky few who are content with the present. You have no urge to flee it or do anything to change it. Either that or you can’t bring yourself to take action and to stop whatever it is you are doing right now and do something else.
On rare occasions it’s true that you are completely content and wouldn’t want to change the moment. It’s far more likely though that you don’t have the guts to do something because the present is safe. You’re current situation -though not desirable- is a safe place to stay. You’re keeping the status quo because you’re unsure about what would happen if you took action. It might all blow up in your face, things could go terribly wrong and you would loose whatever safety you have right now.
Your second pillar: Passively accept the present
If you’re content, you don’t have to change anything. You don’t have to develop. All is well and you like the status quo. Enjoy it while you can because you never know how long it will last. Rest uneasy, nothing is permanent.
The third pillar
The third option should come as no surprise. The first to pillars don’t have much to offer when it comes to personal development. It’s all coming down to this last option you have.
Look around once more, are you content with the present moment? Are you getting everything out of life that you want? Are you living the dream life? No! There is more to be done, things that could be better or different. You don’t flee the present but you’re not happy with how things are going right now.
Your third pillar: Act in the present
This one pillar is at the core of the entire personal development movement. Being unhappy with how things are going and wanting to change your life. The other two pillars are constantly trying to lure you away though. They are the easier options, there is no work involved, you just have to sit there and do nothing. And that is exactly what you are doing most of the time, just sitting there letting life pass you by, second by second. Those seconds will never come back, that moment is gone forever and the current moment isn’t the same.
Yes it’s frightening once you realise it. Your entire life is this moment, and it’s only in this moment that you can act. If not now, when?
Those are useful distinctions: flee the present, accept the present or act in the present. On a broad level, those are the choices we have in every moment. The tricky part in all of this is how to decide which choice to make! I think there are opportunities for personal growth in all 3 of these responses, but you seem to prefer the 3rd option. So could you share more on what your definition of “personal growth” is?
My sense is that much of the personal development/ growth world has promoted this 3rd option above the others – in the name of getting more stuff, having more money, moving up the career ladder, achieving more and all that. And it’s probably true that, to make this sort of progress, your life needs to be biased towards action (option 3). But for me, a big area that’s neglected in so much “personal growth” literature is the part where growing means learning and experiencing more, feeling more and using more of yourself, and finding that, as you use more of yourself you’re more intimate with yourself and so you experience more mastery and more of that deep sense of connectedness and centredness. This has nothing to do with achieving goals or external “success”, so I guess it’s harder to sell, so fewer people talk about it.
Thanks for the reply Cath,
Learning and experiencing more, being with yourself and sitting quietly just “being” so to speak. Is that the direction you mean?
As I see it that indeed is part of the third pillar. In a nutshell:
1. Fleeing
2. Taking no action
3. Taking action
That’s what I had in mind. And even just sitting there and experiencing self (Be it in meditation or listening to your own thoughts and learning about self that way) is what I would call taking action. Feeling, experiencing and learning are all active endeavours. But indeed, they are overshadowed by the “external success” that seems to be the norm in personal growth literature. In general they all focus in easy tricks to appear something you are not. True development comes from within, the part of growth you describe. You can’t master anything if you don’t master yourself first, because to master something it has to be exactly matched with the one who is to become the master. (And how can you make a suit to fit perfectly if you don’t know the measurements of the person who is to wear it)
To me, personal growth can only be achieved actively. You can not grow if you don’t learn, you can’t learn if you don’t experience and you can’t experience if you’re not present in the moment. Being present is being active
I hope this clarifies things a bit. If not please do drop me a line
This is a useful way to think about how to create change and shape our present moment. Because it’s true, the only thing we can really work on is a more enjoyable NOW. Whether or not that comes from taking action, accepting the present, or a combination of both is about looking at the truth of the present, right now. Thanks for the reminder Christiaan.
Thanks for the comment Jonathan. It’s better to remind people than to reinvent the wheel all over again. Now all we need is a way to get the message to stick.
Directly to the point. The third pillar should always be central, but in reality it often isn’t. Thanks for this insightful article!
This is easily applicable for folks who have just “woken up” to personal development or lifestyle design and realize they want more from life, are getting started, etc… But it’s harder to keep reminding yourself of this (and tweaking it a bit) the further along that path you go.
Thankfully I’ve really been fortunate to reach a point where I am (more often than not) completely in love with the present—and that contentment, bliss, happiness with the now IS really important, whether just to accept your life as it is now, or whether you’ve “reached” your ideal dream lifestyle.
But two things can happen: 1) it can become difficult to keep reminding yourself that you need to continue taking the right actions to maintain the life that you want, and/or 2) you might be really happy with the now but FEAR about the future—about maintaining it. I am still dealing with that latter issue, and sometimes I am so afraid about paying the bills next month that I forget I am living my dream: sitting working in the beautiful rice fields of Bali right now, or on the beach in Thailand.
So, I think you need a healthy balance of both: acceptance and happiness with your NOW, and a bit of thinking about the FUTURE (but not FEAR about it). Every step of the way in your personal growth, there will always be new challenges… :)
Thanks for the thought-provoking post Christiaan!
I dig this message, Christiaan.
Many people–myself included–understand that there’s a third pillar, but may not know how to attack it. I’d like to hear your thoughts on this. Like, once you recognize the third pillar, once you know you need to act in the present and to change certain things, how do you do it? What’s optimal?
Alan
@Alan I’ll get back to you on that one next week Alan. Blogpost is in the making :)
@Fabian You’re most welcome Fabian. The third pillar is actually the most useful one although on rare occasions the other two do have their merits.
@Cody “Every step of the way in your personal growth, there will always be new challenges… :) ”
I totally agree with you Cody. Thanks for stopping by
*****
This wordpress theme won’t allow threaded comments at the moment, something to work on.
Hi Christiaan,
Powerful post!
Living in the present is a big one for me. Everyone who meditates, does yoga, trains for endurance sports or even plays music at a high enough level understands the real power of being in the now.
I think most people interpret being present in examples like enjoying time with friends or family, having fun, getting involved with sports. My view is that is too broad. Your mind is too active in those situations.
Slowing down your thoughts to the level of breathing, or a single thought is what I believe is the true meaning of being present. Examples could be Tibetan monks spending countless hours creating sand art, Japanese tea ceremony or zen mediation. ‘Now’ is this exact second, not necessarily this activity or situation.
I think it is very different from Csikszentmihalyi’s idea of Flow. His now is a much longer and broader experience. Perhaps Flow is what you are talking about in the second pillar, passively accepting the present.
In my opinion, if you are thinking about the second two pillars, you are not really in the now. You can’t evaluate your current situation or want for more if you are really concentrating on the moment.
While I believe the gap between where we are now and where we want to be is important because it makes (or can make) the world a better place, Buddhists would say that this is the source of all suffering. Want is the root of suffering.
On a more practical level, being in the now is a very powerful experience. That is why I love endurance sports and music so much. I love going for a long run and getting into a rhythm where all I think about is my breathing. I can drop my heart rate 15 to 20 beats per minute while exercising.
Playing music is also a big one for me. While I am not such a great player, it is an amazing feeling to practice a piece of music to the point where I don’t think about the notes or technique and just concentrate on the sounds. My skill is not so great so those moments are fleeting and I relapse back into thinking about the next note to play. That is where I make all the mistakes.
yeah, be a doer, that will get you where you want to go
“This very moment is the only moment there will ever be that you have any direct influence on.” Can’t change what’s happened, or what might happen, can only change the here and now. It all seems a lot more simple once you realise that!