Mind the Beginner

The most common type of mind is the closed mind. Or so it seems…

“I’d better spend the money before it’s gone”

This weekend I had a small social get-together with the in-laws and their social circle. My girlfriend was celebrating her birthday and I can tell you, she has an open mind, which seems to be a rare thing these days in real life. On the net you can talk to loads of people who don’t react funny when you talk about personal development, lifestyle design and even minimalist living. Those are topics I would hesitate to discuss in real life, but you would think that keeping track of finances at least would be a good idea and people could see the sense of it. Especially those who seem to suffer from chronic financial struggle and debt.

Well, forget that idea

The topic quickly changed to the habit of smoking and how some people there really should quit. Of course the money-going-up-in-smoke issue was discussed at length. I wondered how much people could spend on such a thing and if they had a clue. Quite obviously the wrong question because some of the in-laws there know I keep track of every cent myself.

And then came the jaw-dropping moment:

Laughter about me tracking my spendings followed. The smokers concluded that if they didn’t spend it on tobacco they would surely spend it on something else, without ever knowing where the money went! They seemed to share a way of thinking that goes a bit like this: “I’d better spend the money before it’s gone”

I repeat: jaw-dropping moment.

As the evening progressed it didn’t get any better. Listening as a skill was in short supply. Everybody was talking about themselves and trying to best the others with an even unlikelier story. Mixed in were the occasional rants about self-pity, being victims of society and of course complaining about money -and the lack of-. You’d think that people discussing their problems would like to know how they could tackle such issues of life and perhaps make a change.

Another huge mistake

And then came the revelation as I heard a Heavenly choir sing to me: People like to be the victim, to shove all responsibility under the carpet and talk about how unfair the world is. It’s a safe place to be because it’s known and as most would agree: the unknown is very scary. It seems to be a taboo to talk about doing something you didn’t do before but should have done a long time ago. At least, talking to find solutions and asking others for their opinions, solving problems in life and developing oneself. How wrong I was. These people didn’t want solutions or a kick in the right direction, they wanted pity.

Taking responsibility for life and owning all your actions is terrifying apparently. This can not be done with a closed mind for the answers to problems and changing of habits are products of the open mind, ready for new things and uncertain adventures. Thinking outside of the boxed thoughts seems to me essential for change to occur and responsibility to be taken.

I don’t understand closed minds like these. Why wouldn’t people want to change the negative things in life and strive for better things? Why stay in the same place if there are ways to get out? Then again. I could be terribly wrong here and should be put back in my place. Who am I to act like I’m superior!

Closed minds are all around and more often than not clash with each other in a struggle for right of speaking. Not listening to one another and complaining about the unfairness of the world is what surely follows. Or so it seems…

What do you think?

There I was, sitting on a chair in the cafeteria listening to a fellow student bragging about lack of sleep, a hangover and all other things related to “student life” (At least, according to that student..) Although on the surface it looked like I was listening and interested in fact was I really felt a bit sorry for him. He didn’t manage to gather enough points last year to pass so he was back in year one… “I could have made it, if I got up earlier but at least I could stay up till 5 am!” “It must have been that entire bottle of tequila!”. He made all sorts of claims that sound “master” (their words..) on the surface but when you start thinking about them a bit harder are actually well…. just stupid.

I’m quite sure everyone knows someone who took part in this college life. I wonder what those students are trying to achieve, some sort of fame? Perhaps they feel very insecure about themselves and need to boast about what they see as accomplishments.

A big problem with these accomplishments in student life is that most people act as if they are interested in such things. I myself too pretend, just to blend in and not attract to much attention to myself. Sometimes it’s better to keep a low profile. I’m convinced however that there are more people out there who think these accomplishments are really not something to boast about at all. In my mind I can’t help but smile and wonder if the others are smiling as well because of this strange chest-beating game.

So what are accomplishments you have bragging rights about?

That all just depends on who you’re talking with, but in honest truth nobody likes a bragger save other braggers. If a bragger finds another bragger the game can truly begin.The stories take a life of their own, reaching sky high at times. And with the aforementioned issue of pretending we all seem braggers at time so stories soar.. In the heat of the moment the stories become somewhat ridiculous and not very plausible at all. In the strange and twister world of corporate life the bragging actually continues: Cars, trophy wives, bonuses. Materialism of the purest kind.
Now what would happen if all those stories were written down and checked against each other? Or worse, if those written records were to become public? Would your family, your boss or your co-workers be amused? What if those records surfaced ten years from now.

Remember my fellow student? In ten years he just might be working for some IT firm. Wearing a suit and having tons of responsibilities. How would the client feel if they knew he had trouble attending class, getting up in the morning and meeting deadlines because reaching the bottom of a bottle was more interesting. Would all those accomplishments still be so great?

Are there stories others do want to hear?

There are so many things you could talk about with others but it’s always a question if it’s something they want to hear. Now if they know a little about listening chances are you won’t know that they don’t care for your stories. It’s always going to be a compromise unless you share a genuine interest in the topic being talked about.

It’s always a good choice to speak less and listen more… you never know what you might learn about others. People do give away a lot about themselves through smalltalk. (And I give away a lot through blogging….)

Do you feel uncomfortable looking at this image? Most people would, but not all for the same reasons. Some might have a fear of being trampled or not being able to move but others just don’t like to interact.

At any given party where do you stand? Do you talk to everyone in the room or do you stand somewhere to the side looking round, feeling uncomfortable and wishing the night to end. I can tell you, I was that guy a long time. Just standing by the side and watching people having fun, talking with each other. Observing had an advantage, you could learn from others passively. But passive learning is never as good as actual experience.

Using the knowledge of listening as I described in my earlier post you don’t have to stand there and do nothing but it might take a step that you have been dreading all your life: talk to strangers. The simplest approach is often the best, just say hello. In time you’ll learn how to do that without feeling weird or making the impression of a psycho. And the more you say hello the easier it gets. Don’t overwhelm people but show genuine interest. Everyone has a story they like to tell you so let them. They feel good because they get to tell their story again and you can practice talking (and listening) Go out there and practice and you’ll quickly notice that you can talk to just about anyone.

Why would you want to be more social:

Social people are richer (I just won’t define rich here

Social people live longer This becomes very clear at old age, the elderly who don’t get visits anymore and become socially isolated quickly begin to go downhill. But it’s not only at old age that this happens. Anyone who does not have a lot of social interaction becomes unhealthy in one way or the other. Okay, Social interaction might not be a good idea in Mexico right now. I doubt people in social isolation will even notice the swine flu.

Social people get more opportunities Who knows, the stranger you talk to might just be an entrepreneur looking for a partner. Maybe that person works at a great small firm that’s looking to expand, he got the job to investigate this and he’s so enthusiastic about it he just can’t help talking about it.

Social people tend to attract other people What I want to say here is that if you’re the life of the party or the person everyone should meet you eventually end up not having to say hi anymore, people will come to you to meet you. They take the opportunities and all other benefit with them. And it all begins with getting out of your perceived safe haven of social isolation and saying “Hi!” with enthusiasm.

Social people are more confident (or are perceived that way at least)

I’d like to give you an assignment for the remainder of the week: Say hello to everyone you see, and make eye contact with. Don’t discriminate in who you talk to, discriminating is a sign that you might have a fear of talking to that “type” of person. Take every opportunity you have, you can practice listening at the same time.

the art of listening,

Listening is a very important skill nowadays but also one forgotten. In conversation we’re often so preoccupied with what we’re going to say next that we don’t actually listen to what the other is saying. At the same time we like every conversation to center around ourselves so we end up with with constantly talking about ourselves without having a clue as to what the other is talking about. Sound familiar?  

As if that isn’t enough we tend to talk to much in order to get attention. There is a clue to the ratio of talking and listening that’s provided by our body: we have two ears, but only one mouth. You can use this to your advantage. Often the best talks people have are the talks where they get enough space to talk about themselves. You – now knowing this – can give the other all the room they want and listen carefully. Be sure to really listen and ask further questions about what the other is saying. This kind of attention has a profound effect on people. People walk away from the conversation saying it was a great talk. (And all that happened was them talking about themselves!) You can almost “make” people like you by asking about how they are doing and really caring about what they have to say. Don’t use such a chance to get to talk about yourself, really care about what they have to say and ask questions. 

Develop your listening skills and try and stay more in the background sometimes. Although you won’t be able to talk about yourself you will have made a great impression on the one you talked with. More likely than not they will now think of you as a great person. 

Get out there these next few days and give it a try. Actually listen to the other and forget about talking about yourself. Notice any differences? Please tell me all about your experiences